289 Greatest Quotes About Humor
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes.
Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.
I wasn't shy, but I was really hyper. Nobody got my sense of humor. I was a black skater kid.
Tyler, The Creator
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.
One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live.
Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.