#humor

289 quotes

289 Greatest Quotes About Humor


Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Mark Twain
An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile. James Joyce
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass. Maya Angelou
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. Mitch Hedberg
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. Rabindranath Tagore
Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes. Alan Watts
Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is. Yogi Berra
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. Lewis Carroll
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side. Bill Hicks
Half the people you know are below average. Steven Wright
The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities. Ayn Rand
I wasn't shy, but I was really hyper. Nobody got my sense of humor. I was a black skater kid. Tyler, The Creator
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke. Will Rogers
One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry. Oscar Wilde
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities. Dr. Seuss
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! Mitch Hedberg
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. George Carlin
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life. Terry Pratchett
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor. Charles Dickens
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. Dr. Seuss
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Steven Wright
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. Groucho Marx
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. Woody Allen
I love you like a fat kid loves cake! Scott Adams
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. Mitch Hedberg
Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live. Charles Bukowski
Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try! Dr. Seuss
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember. Terry Pratchett
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. Rodney Dangerfield
There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it. Bertrand Russell
When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. Voltaire
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out". Rodney Dangerfield
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck. Rodney Dangerfield
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. Kurt Cobain
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. Woody Allen