1843 Greatest Quotes About Funny

If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing. Bill Shankly
Best to start at the bottom & gradually climb up. It's much more fun, too. Gordon Ramsay
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed. Mark Twain
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? Steven Wright
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points. Mae West
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you. Groucho Marx
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. Will Rogers
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly. Mitch Hedberg
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Dorothy Parker
My songs are like Bic razors. For fun, for modern consumption. You listen to it, like it, discard it, then on to the next. Disposable pop. Freddie Mercury
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. Voltaire
Don't be like me. Be better than me. That's the goal. Michael Jordan
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. Stephen King
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. Winston Churchill
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes. William Gibson
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong. Robin Williams
Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said.". Yogi Berra
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? Erma Bombeck
I cannot say that I don't disagree with you. Groucho Marx
The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. Terry Pratchett
I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time. It's like, 'Shut up.'. Robert Pattinson
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'. Daniel Tosh
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. Scott Adams
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Mark Twain
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. Dolly Parton
It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don't do well. Nick Jonas
I had fun, but I didn't really have anyone i particularly loved except for loving friends. But I have a certain amount of faith that it will come. Edie Sedgwick
How is it possible to have a civil war? George Carlin
I think the way to become the best is to just have fun. Shaun White
Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty. Ashleigh Brilliant
I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me. Charles Darwin
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Steven Wright
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. George Bernard Shaw
I know when things are going to get me a little nervous, because nervous to me feels good. Misty May-Treanor
A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life. Christopher Morley
James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. Will Ferrell
Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun. Robin Williams
My mother and father were very strange people. They tried to be funny which is always very sad to me. Jonathan Winters
In life we get an opportunity to do some cool things, and some things that are fun and that we like doing. Dwayne Johnson
Yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared I might kill Schmeling. Joe Louis
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. Steven Wright
Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success. Drake