1843 Greatest Quotes About Funny
If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing.
Best to start at the bottom & gradually climb up. It's much more fun, too.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
My songs are like Bic razors. For fun, for modern consumption. You listen to it, like it, discard it, then on to the next. Disposable pop.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said.".
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time. It's like, 'Shut up.'.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'.
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don't do well.
I had fun, but I didn't really have anyone i particularly loved except for loving friends. But I have a certain amount of faith that it will come.
I think the way to become the best is to just have fun.
I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I know when things are going to get me a little nervous, because nervous to me feels good.
James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.
Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
My mother and father were very strange people. They tried to be funny which is always very sad to me.
In life we get an opportunity to do some cool things, and some things that are fun and that we like doing.
Yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared I might kill Schmeling.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.