Woody Allen

Director. Writer. Actor. Comedian

Birthday: December 1, 1935

Birthday: December 1, 1935

Director. Writer. Actor. Comedian


133 Greatest Quotes By Woody Allen

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films. Woody Allen
Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don't really know what's going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody. Woody Allen
Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's. Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen
I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today. Woody Allen
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist. Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen
I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat. Woody Allen
I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet. Woody Allen
I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me. Woody Allen
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. Woody Allen
No Matter what you do there will be critics. Woody Allen
All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that. Woody Allen
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. Woody Allen
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social. Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. Woody Allen
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. Woody Allen
There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important. Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life. Woody Allen
A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings. Woody Allen
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. Woody Allen
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . Woody Allen
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Woody Allen
I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present. Woody Allen
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey. Woody Allen
Why ruin a good story with the truth? Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. Woody Allen
I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you. Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen
If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right. Woody Allen
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. Woody Allen
Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed. Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. Woody Allen
There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith. Woody Allen
I had an IQ test. The results came back negative. Woody Allen