Birthday: December 6, 1955

88 Greatest Quotes By Steven Wright

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Steven Wright
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Steven Wright
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. Steven Wright
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there. Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Steven Wright
Half the people you know are below average. Steven Wright
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright
How do you get off a non-stop flight? Steven Wright
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else. Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. Steven Wright
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'. Steven Wright
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. Steven Wright
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using? Steven Wright
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'. Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. Steven Wright
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'. Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here. Steven Wright
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat. Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. Steven Wright
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read". Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. Steven Wright
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'. Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'. Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. Steven Wright