Birthday: July 3, 1947

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85 Greatest Quotes By Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Dave Barry
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. Dave Barry
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Dave Barry
There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them. Dave Barry
You should not confuse your career with your life. Dave Barry
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Dave Barry
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Dave Barry
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. Dave Barry
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain. Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. Dave Barry
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Dave Barry
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Dave Barry
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'. Dave Barry
Under Florida's "stand your ground" law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground. Dave Barry
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. Dave Barry
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Dave Barry
And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind. Dave Barry
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home. Dave Barry
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave Barry
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. Dave Barry
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. Dave Barry
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. Dave Barry
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that! Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter. Dave Barry
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. Dave Barry
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. Dave Barry
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. Dave Barry
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. Dave Barry
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. Dave Barry